July 31, 2002
my body bares the marks of yesterday
I had so much to say earlier today.. but I wrote in my paper journal and I posted an entry in a public diary here on Diaryland so consequently, this entry shouldn�t be insufferably long.
If I could wipe yesterday from my memory, I would. The strange part is that it wasn�t even all that bad.. but someone even the parts of the day that could be construed as positive had a bitter flavor to them.
My mom found out I haven�t been going to school and didn�t freak out, but rather told me she loves me and understands that I feel hopeless right now.. knows that I think my life is falling to pieces before my eyes. She lectured very little and told me she loves me. That�s a first for her. Usually she goes on about how I�m screwing up my life and how I make myself ugly and poison my mind with all the evil books I read, movies I watch, people I associate with.. Then she goes into saying that she must have done something wrong raising me or I wouldn�t be the way I am. It always makes me feel incredibly guilty and small.. but she was supportive this time..
Dash and I had a somewhat rocky patch. He was in a bad mood and my pride got wounded which in turn made me somewhat abrupt.. But then he called later and apologized and stumbled over his own words for a few minutes before inviting himself over. It was really rather cute.. and everything seemed okay after that except for the few minutes we had the relationship talk again, but that only lasted a minute or two.
I just don�t know anymore. I�m confused, disappointed (in myself), satisfied (with myself) and weary of life. That seems to be a reoccurring theme these days. How sad.
10:04 a.m.