July 26, 2002
honeymoon period
Since we met, Dash and I have only gone one day without seeing eachother. Last night he told me he missed me that day. This is were I would normally get scared of how close we�ve become and run away, but the truth is I missed him too. How sad is that?
More often than not he spends the night at my house. Last night I told him to be careful or he�d get used to waking up next to me and he said he already is.
He keeps making roundabout comments about relationships and hinting at commitment.. He asks if it bothers me that we�re still free to do what we want with whomever we want and when I tell him that our current arrangement is the best thing for now he sounds frustrated when he mumbles that he guesses labels don�t matter anyway.
I always catch him watching me with a look near awe on his face and a smile in his eyes and I don�t know whether I feel flattered or alarmed by it.
Our story sounds like just that, a story. It�s perfect and wonderful and inspires faith in the middle of a sea of doubt.. but I�m holding off.. it doesn�t feel like we�re on thin ice but perhaps we are. So why am I forcing it to stay that way?
There�s a girl somewhere in Michigan that he went out with a few times. She calls him everyday and is flying out for a few days next month.. he says he doesn�t want her to. He complains when her name comes up.. but I�d prefer to keep our relationship open until after she leaves.
Crazy, huh? Most girls try to fortify their bonds when faced with a potential rival, but not me. I not only give my boy the chance to pick the other girl, I push him towards her. Stupid perhaps, but I�d rather do things this way than get all attached just to have things fail. This is one of the reason�s I say I�m horrible in relationships. I make boys jump through so many hoops.. I leave them feeling vulnerable and unsure of me.. and although I do it subconsciously, I know the thought pattern behind it.
I�m afraid of commitment.. emotional intimacy so I try to drive people away, sabotage relationships. But underneath that is something else: a feeling that if I ever come across the right person, they�ll be able to dodge all the traps and everything will work out. Only time will tell.
On a lighter note: Check out this site. They have a pope action figure! The package says "His hardness, God�s mortal messanger." Includes: Holy Cross Kali sticks, �Meek and Mild� Walther PPK handgun. He�s wearing a blood red Vatican Assult uniform! I am so getting this! And the Jesus action figures too! Funny shit, yo! Many, many thanks to Amy for bringing it to my attention.
9:38 a.m.