October 16, 2002
wake up little girl, the sun is rising
Last night wasn�t supposed to be complicated, awkward or meaningful. When I made plans to go out, I was looking for a casual night out with the boys. Good coffee and even better conversations followed by breakfast at a local diner.
I wasn�t planning on answering, "Where have you been?" questions by club kids who don�t understand the concept of friends outside the goth/industrial scene.
I wasn�t planning on all but ignoring the boys I went to breakfast with so that I could have a three hour conversation with an ex-boyfriend who wanted to dissect all the factors and events that lead up to our break-up two years ago.
Until last night, I didn�t realize that in his mind, we never had closure, or that he�s had some underlying resentment towards me this whole time. I didn�t know about all the tiny little ways I affected him or that he would still be curious about my life.
And even though the conversation left me feeling strangely vulnerable (although I have no desire whatsoever to get romantically involved with him again), I think it was really good for both of us. It helped us understand our own patterns and compulsions, needs and fundamental issues.. It helped us understand eachother..
But what now? Do we continue on as if we never had that talk? Do we make an attempt at friendship even though it may be strange due to all the questions left up in the air?
I wish I had asked him if he finally feels like he has closure.. because our talk ripped away all the illusions of it I�ve be harboring.
9:41 a.m.