June 24, 2002
There�s gotta be a name for people like me..
I honestly don�t know why I do the things I do - act the way I act - except that at the time I always feel that everything is hopeless, pointless, meaningless.. and if that�s the case then why should I care? Why should I bother? So I end up ignoring everyone for weeks on end, cutting people out of my life as easily as a knife slices through butter.. and regretting it, oh yes, regretting it. People who last as my friends know this pattern, when I finally pick up the phone, even if it�s months later they act as if we�d been talking all along.. I love them for this, and our friendships remain strong because of it..
But then there�s the people who just get hurt.
And the people who I haven't know long enough to figure out which category they fall into..
Yesterday afternoon two different boys called wanting to go out with me, I told them both that I wasn�t sure and to try back later on that night.. and then I started getting depressed, feeling hopelessly lonely and anti-social.. I didn�t want to deal with anyone or anything so I turned off the ringer and avoided the world� both boys called. I have four new messages on my phone.
I think Punk Rock Mike will be a little put off, but will give me another chance if I call and apologize. He�s really a good guy for all his flakiness.
Huebsch I�m not so sure of. We�re had a lot of drama between us. Probably more than is worth dealing with, yet we still do. Why you ask? Because there�s an attraction there that we can�t seem to get away from no matter how shitty things get. I don�t know if he�ll ever completely forgive me for picking Thor over him.
And in my head I know that if he never spoke to me again it would be for the best. There�s so many factors to take into account here and I know a relationship between us wouldn�t work. It would be like Thor all over again and I would feel constantly suffocated and restrained.. what�s worse is that, I might once again refuse to do anything about it. Ugh.. I�m going to stop now..
11:03 a.m.