October 08, 2002
changing tides
Everything has been different since Link proposed. I don�t know how I feel about that.. it seems as if I don�t know how I feel about anything these days. I�m just lost and the person I�ve clung to for the last nine years, my pillar of support is unavailable to me.
Last night I admitted (both to him and to myself) that I�m afraid to see him. I told him that whatever happens at that moment - it won�t be good. I�m scared of feeling something.. I�m scared of not feeling anything at all. I�m afraid of looking into his eyes.. of letting him look into mine.. of touching..
I feel like a coward. Weak and pathetic and soft.
Dash isn�t talking to me anymore. I haven�t really heard from him since the night I told him about Link. You all probably think this is a good thing and I suppose it is. It�s funny.. because although I don�t miss him, it hurts that he�s not talking to me. Hurts that he obviously didn�t care for me at all if he doesn�t even want to be my friend. He once said that he always wanted to be a part of my life.. even if my life was tied to someone else�s.. because my happiness was what mattered most.
But all along I doubted him.. refused to believe all his sweet words and lovely declarations.. I wish I hadn�t been right. It would be nice to know (if only once) that someone meant all the things they said. Maybe I�d have faith in people then. That would be an interesting experience.
9:36 a.m.