October 07, 2002
but it will all fall apart
Sometimes I forget just how high these walls I�ve built around me are.. and I fail to remember the shards of glass that protrude from the top..
Then I�ll meet someone new, a wonderful person that I�d like to make a part of my life and wonder why they struggle.. I do so many little things to push them away. Over and over again.
And I pray, I pray silently that they won�t go.
And I cry, figurative tears because I don�t think anyone will ever fully break through.. and if they did I might resent them.. and run away afraid.. but I don�t let myself get that far.
So there�s people in my life now. Perfect boys with hard outer shells and marshmallow centers. Boys that tease and talk and care. Boys that have given me a feeling of cohesion I haven�t felt in so long..
But the other day I had a heart to heart with one of them and he told me that I make things difficult for everyone, because no one ever knows where they stand with me (romantically or platonically).. And he said that it�s hard on those outside my inner circle, because they somehow feel left out in the cold. Not because I�m bitchy, but rather because with me you�re either my acquaintance and of no particular significance or you�re my good friend.. I never realized that I alienate people..
Last night another of the boys made a comment that hit a little too close to home.. and my reply was thoughtless and a little mean. I feel guilty. I hope it was a non-event to him.. because he strikes me as a person who doesn�t have in-betweens.. and I think I might be the only girl he�s friends with.
Addition 4:35 p.m.
I was updating my profile and it got deleted.. so I had to recreate it and some people who should be on my favorites list aren�t.. if you�re one of them let me know.
2:21 p.m.