December 20, 2002
building and shattering
Tonight I sat in a car in the parking lot of an apartment complex with a boy I swore I�d never get romantically involved with.
Listening to Dashboard Confessional and talking about various things.
And I saw the uncertain look in his eyes. I heard the slight inflection in his voice. The vulnerability and mental squaring of shoulders that comes before trying something with a girl when you�re unsure of her reaction.
And for a split second I considered moving away. Thought of telling him it was a bad idea. That friends with benefits never works out..
But then his lips were on mine and it was slow, sweet and sensual. Full of secret promise. And his hand was in my hair, pulling my head back, forcing me to forget everything but the sensation of his lips and tongue against mine.. and at that moment there was nothing wrong about it.
After the kiss he said so many things. As if relieved at being able to finally say them out loud. Touching things that could make a girl melt. But instead of feeling flattered I felt skeptical. Wondered how many other girls melted because of those words. Wondered if they were heartfelt.
There�s something about pretty words that makes my skin go cold. So many boys giving out so many compliments.. and 98% of the time I ignore it. Wave it off as yet another silly boy making yet another overture that�s doomed to fail before the words cross his lips.
But there�s that 2% that matters. And the fact that it matters makes me that much more wary. I start feeling ignorant and unsure. Wondering if it�s really even worth it. Even when (like now) it�s really just superficial. After all, friends with benefits inherently means barriers and walls.
{By the way, I lost my cell phone the other day. So if you have the number don�t bother calling it for a few days.. and if I had your number, I don�t anymore.}
11:18 p.m.