July 13, 2002
dysthymia
I need to stop doing this.
I need to pick up the phone and check my messages which are now up to sixteen.
I need to call my friends so they stop worrying about me.
I need to get out of the house and do something because I know that staying here all the time lost in my own little disillusioned world isn�t good for me. I know that the only way I can rid myself of these feelings of hopelessness is to go out and be around other people. Or rather, the only way to suppress my feeling of hopelessness is to go out and be around other people because then I can forget for a time.. feel okay and normal. Being alone with my thoughts is what gets me in trouble. In light of this I suppose it�s rather unfortunate that I enjoy being alone so much, need it even.
I�m sorry I didn�t call you tonight B. Don�t take it personally, I know you have a tendency to do that. I do want to hang out with you, I just didn�t want my mood to rub off on you. I didn�t want to ruin your Saturday night. I didn�t want to get dressed and be around other people and smile and pretend that everything is okay. Not when I feel my world is falling apart.. or maybe it�s always been this way. Perhaps. You would think I�d be used to it by now wouldn�t you?
I looked through the public diaries here on diaryland earlier today. Some of them are rather interesting. I even posted in one.
11:58 p.m.