July 12, 2002

anti-social therapy

I have ten new messages on my cell phone, a weeks worth of unanswered phone calls and I can�t bring myself to care enough to listen to the messages much less call any of them back.

I talked to Huebsch yesterday. He wanted me to drop by his apartment because he says he misses me and wants to see me. Everything from the tone of his voice to the words he used sounded relationship-y and all I could think of was getting him off of the phone.

I don�t want a serious relationship. I don�t want a boy who constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how soft my skin is, how flat my stomach is. I don�t want someone who holds me tight all night as if he�s afraid I�ll disappear if he lets go. It sounds ideal and lovely I know, but I don�t see ideal and lovely I see suffocating and claustrophobic.

Maybe it�s because Thor and I had such a horrible relationship and I was so blind and pliant and miserable and willing to remain that way forever. Maybe I just need time.

Or maybe it's just that I know that dating another skinhead isn�t the best thing for me to do right now. Especially this one.

11:27 p.m.

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