August 04, 2002
And I�m waiting for him to run away
How can you like someone, care about someone, look at them with eyes full of.. something.. when they hurt you over and over again?
What�s wrong with me? What makes me the way I am? Why do I hurt him over and over again?
He said that he tries not to take it personally when I do the things I do. He says he tries not to take it personally.
Last night we sat at Willow House for four hours arguing about politics. At one point I looked at him and thought, �This can never work. He�s all wrong for me.� And yet we argued and our voices got louder and behind the tinges of irritation it was fun. We were both really enjoying ourselves.. until animal rights came up.
He brought it up and I told him to drop it. But he didn�t. Not until I told him that particular conversation might just make me hate him, that no matter what he said on the subject, it wouldn�t change my opinion of his beliefs, that I thought he was a hypocrite.
He tried to touch me and I wouldn�t let him.. it had nothing to do with the animal right talk. It really didn�t. It was all about how I was feeling inside and when I told him I couldn�t stand to have anyone touch me just then, it was true. I didn�t mean just him. He said that he�d try not to but that it was just so hard for him.. and I saw the look in his eyes when he tried to put his arm around me a little while later and I pulled away..
We got back here around four am and although he wanted to spend the night I wouldn�t let him. He held me close and I sent him away.
I wish he�d realize that I�m not worth the look in his eyes, the way he stares at me, the compliments he gives. I�ve told him I�m not worth it.
3:00 p.m.