January 03, 2003

two-thousand and three

So a new year is upon us. Full of new people and memories. Sorrow and depression. Happiness and hope.

And really, there�s only one thing I�d like.. and it�s not mounds of money, or the love of my life.. all I ask is that I be allowed the satisfaction of looking back on 2003 next January and thinking, �That was worthwhile.�

So simple. So easy. Yet, it�s not something I can say about 2002. I spent the entire year floating. My head barely above water. Refusing to move my arms or legs. And when the number on the calendar changed, I opened my eyes only to find that instead of moving towards land, all I did was float farther away.

Ugh. Let's move on..

These last two days have been wonderful. And although I haven�t really accomplished anything. I�ve done so much.

I�ve gotten to know three boys better. To realize just how much I value their friendship and care for them. How much they care for and miss me. I�ve finally seen so many things. About others. About myself. Things I need to think on/work on. People I need to appreciate more/leave behind.

This year I want to start putting my life in order. To start picking up the pieces and fitting them back together. Like a puzzle.

And maybe, just maybe I�ll be better for it. Maybe, just maybe I�ll find something real.

At the party Tuesday night a boy who hates practically everybody sat down next to me and stared off into space while he said, �I can see why all these guys are always falling all over themselves for you.�

And instead of being nice about it I laughed and replied, �Because they�re idiot?�

Maybe if I wasn�t so unapproachable sometimes I wouldn�t feel so left out. I had the most amazing time at that party. I was comfortable and happy and surrounded by some really good friends. But along with the realization that these people really do care for/respect me came the awareness that they�re all kind of wary of touching me.

The other day someone told me that I�m like a pretty cat. You want to go up and pet it but you�re afraid of it�s claws. At the time, I thought it was an amazing compliment. Later, as I drove home alone it depressed me. The thing is, I don�t know whether or not that�s something I want to change.

3:06 p.m.

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