November 30, 2002

If you discover the cure, will you let me know?

Tomorrow I have to drop Ian off at the airport.. say goodbye to carelessness and try to get some structure in my life. I need to start looking for a job and thinking of the future. I need to sit down and write out all my debts on a piece of paper. Something tangible I can look at from time to time in order to remind myself what I�m working towards. Freedom. From this place. From my past. It�s not the happiest of thoughts, and part of me really just wants to stay. To forget everything and just grow old here, not caring about anything, waiting for death. That indifference, that apathy is like a disease with me.

I need there to be something else..

I wish Ian didn�t live thousands of miles away and that we could sit on the couch eating tempura and watching the History Channel whenever we wanted.

I wish I had a time machine. I would use it to go back in time and have conversations with people like Fionn mac Cumhail, Elizabeth Bathory, Alister Crowley, Hermann Goering and my father.

I wish the dream Kristen had the other night was a reality. That she really did own an uberhummer and that we really could throw caution to the wind and take long road trips to interesting locations.

I wish I believed in forever. Thought it was possible for love to remain as true and pure as it is in book, movies and childhood fantasies.

But since none of that is possible right now, I�ll focus on something that is attainable.. Temporary amnesty from my apathy and a little willpower.

11:41 a.m.

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