September 05, 2002

tangled web

Dash and I have been casually dating for a few months now and things seem so perfect. We spend every available moment together because we enjoy eachother�s company that much. We usually wake up with our bodies entangled and our minds filled with a sensation of peace. It�s nice and lovely and.. open.

Open as in we�re allowed to date and/or have sex with other people as long as we let the other one know about it. Does that seem unfair to you? It doesn�t to me..

For the longest time we acted like the option of other people didn�t exist. We were too wrapped up in eachother to want anyone else.. but then an old fling of his called and said she wanted to fly down for the weekend.. and you know, I had no problem with it. I expected them to have sex and didn�t mind. I told him this repeatedly. I even handed him the box of condoms we had on my dresser the night before she arrived and told him to take them home with him. What more could he want?

He called the second he dropped her off at the airport. He said he�d had a horrible weekend and missed me. He came over as soon as I got back from California and has been acting more affectionate and relationship-y than ever. He says this past weekend made him realize how much he cares for me.

He wants monogamy. He wants me to move in with him. He even said he�d like me to move out of state with him when he has to leave to do his internship in four months. He offered to let me pick the state we move to. Said he could get swept away if only I�d open up.

And this would all be lovely.. if I could trust him.. but I can�t.

When I got back I didn�t ask any questions about his weekend with her.. but he told me anyway. He told me that nothing happened, that it was innocent and platonic.. but then I saw an empty condom wrapper on his floor.

When I brought it up he tried to talk his way out of it for a few moments before saying that she gave him a blow job and insisted he wear it. Yep, just an innocent blow job between friends.

He spent a lot of time apologizing. I spend a lot of time explaining that I still think he had sex with her and that I don�t care who he sleeps with.. as long as he�s honest. I told him I can�t make a commitment to someone I can�t trust and that I can�t trust him.

So my question is, am I being unfair?

9:34 a.m.

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