July 09, 2002

summer days

I remember being five or six years old and playing in our back yard for hours. I used to wander around making friends with all the little desert creatures.. climbing trees and sitting up there daydreaming or reading..

I used to love to catch horney toads and play with them. I thought they were so adorable. I would find one and pet it�s little head until it went to sleep, walk around holding it in my palm, then I�d find a shady spot in the backyard and let it go..

I would put a stick in an ant holes and let the ants crawl all over my hand. I got a kick out of it because they never bit me.

I feed bologna to the roadrunners and left a dish full of water for a coyote that came to visit every night.

I even used to rescue drowning bees and wasps from out swimming pool. I only got stung once.

What I don�t remember is playing with other kids. My mom would always invite little girls over to play with me. Little girls from the �right sort� of families.. but I hated them and would either ignore them or scare them depending on my mood..

"Hey Laura, look what I found, it�s a horney toad. He squirts jets of blood from his eyes when he feels threatened.. wanna pet him?" as I would shove him right under her nose..

Now, I live in an apartment in a big city.. but not much has changed when it comes to people. I have tons of acquaintance-friends, people who I go out to clubs, bars, parties with.. people who for the most part consider me a real friend even though I keep them at arms length.. but I still don�t have very many real friends. I still feel alone and strange and separate from everyone.. and you know what? I�m okay with that.. at times even happy about it.

11:14 a.m.

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