July 21, 2002

run away with me

Tomorrow I have jury duty, which makes today bookstore day. I�m thinking of calling Dash and inviting him to come along. If I can go bookstore/ comic bookstore/thrift store shopping with him and enjoy myself there�s a chance that dating might just work out..

Or maybe I�ll just call Blue. I always have fun with him and I feel as though I need to have a good day today � especially today � when I have a bad feeling about the week to come.

I�ve been having dragon dreams a lot lately and it�s brought back the old fascination and attraction I used to have.. have always had but have just been neglecting lately I suppose.. My friend Andy says he�s been having dreams about mystical creatures as well.. We talked for a while last night, although I�m not sure the conversation was a good idea. It left me feelings sad, empty.

He�s been in my life for nine years now. We�ve dated three times, been close in ways I can�t begin to describe throughout. Sometimes not talking for months, not seeing eachother for years.. but always a presence in eachother�s lives.

Whenever I start getting interested in someone romantically, he calls. It�s like clockwork, always within the first few days of the romance, before anything is solidified.. if I didn�t know better I�d think he was trying to sabotage my love life.. but then he says I do it as well. It�s not intentional on either side.. just a strange coincidence.

But lately things have been different. It�s almost as if we�re finally losing eachother, and we don�t know how to stop it. It sounds strange, I know this, but doesn�t it always happen to friends? You grow up, grow apart.. try to keep in touch but eventually give up because you realize that there is no longer a common ground on which to stand. It�s depressing, tear inspiring and true, worst of all it�s true.

Maybe things will change and we�ll be closer than ever. Maybe. There�s been so many times over the last nine years that I�ve wanted to call him up (or had him on the phone, or sitting next to me) and ask him to run away with me. To pack one small suitcase each, put the cats in kitty carriers and just get in the car and drive. Drive until we lost our pasts. Drive until we couldn�t find the way back if we tried. Drive until it all seemed like a distant dream and all that was real was eachother. Drive until we came upon someplace neither of us have ever been but both recognized, belonged to. Find a little apartment, maybe over a bookstore or a cottage out in the middle of nowhere.. I wish for things like that a lot. More often than is probably healthy. It�s funny isn�t it? Or sad perhaps..

1:15 p.m.

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