July 23, 2002

nothing but pretty words

Everything always seems so extreme under the light of the moon..

.. But then the sun rises leaving just a pale shadow that makes you wonder what all the fuss was about, makes you feel ridiculous for the previous night�s activities and dramatics.

Last night was my emotional outburst for the month.. make that next few months. I hate crying. It always makes me feel so weak - especially when I�m sitting on the floor in the bathroom trying to sob quietly so that no one will know.

It didn�t fool him though, and all he wanted to do was comfort me.. it�s not like I don�t understand the desire to hold someone, make them feel better, it�s just that sometimes I want to be left alone with my pain. Last night happened to be one of those nights.

And now I feel numb. Just numb. The kind of numbness you get sometimes after crying into your pillow for hours. Drained of all emotions, left exhausted and spent.

So here�s some words to a boy who will most likely never read this: Compliments and the like don�t count for much when I think you�re doing it out of insecurity.. Repeating something over and over again isn�t going to make me believe it�s true.. And telling me I should open up and confide in you isn�t going to instill trust..

Please disregard what I say.. I�m just tired.

12:02 p.m.

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