November 12, 2002
November If Project
Over the last few years I�ve asked several people who have really gotten to know me what their first impression of me was. Some have said that they thought I was very pretty, but also a snob or a bitch. Others said I came off as shy, standoffish, or cold. I�ve been told I can make newcomers feel left out, or distance myself from them by moving away and reading or talking to someone else. A handle full of people have found me charming and friendly, though those were friends of friends I�ve met at goth clubs when I�ve been a bit drunk and fully in my element.
So I suppose my answer is that if I had only five minutes, I�m almost positive a stranger would get the wrong impression of me. That they wouldn�t see anything other than a flicker of the person within. But you know, I like it that way. I don�t want people to see me. Not in five minutes, or days or months.. If I thought I was that transparent, that devoid of substance, I think I�d hide from the world in shame. I�d wrap myself up in bitter emotions and hope to wither away.
I have many facets to my personality, things that are important to me, things and people I cherish and love. So many things people are surprised at. I don�t wear them like badges. I don�t let my life revolve around any one thing. To do so would be to bury the rest of yourself in a tomb within you, to suffocate tiny but integral parts.
Perhaps I sound preachy. Perhaps this question offends me a little because I�ve always seen myself as different, other, apart, removed (not from everyone, just from the mainstream. From mindless drones who just follow and never think for themselves), and if that is true then how could anyone who isn�t different understand? Does this sound sheltered or na�ve to you? You can say yes if you�d like, but then I�d only say you wouldn�t even begin to understand. That�s the circle of it.
7:59 a.m.