January 14, 2003
five days with so much new to say/ it�s really nothing at all
I always looked forward to moving to a new city. To starting from scratch and meeting new people. To finding new hang outs and all but forgetting the past.
I always thought it would be wonderful fun. Even the loneliness and isolation that would be inevitable at first appealed to me.
The thought of going to cafes alone with a good book and a sketch pad. Of ordering coffee and ignoring the world, comfortable in the knowledge that not a single familiar figure would walk through the door.. Then eventually people would approach me and new bonds would be formed and it would be a rebirth of sorts. Cleansed from the past. Ready to embrace the future.
But being back here after all this time is really similar to starting fresh. And just like I wanted I�ve been spending all my social time in new places meeting new people.
And I�m tired. Tired of the dating/mating game. Tired of the politics and the conversations full of half-hidden hints. Tired of stupid boys who decided that they�d rather not be my friend when I tell them they�ll never be anything more.
But I�m also flattered. Pleased when pretty boys with pink and black hair ask a friend for my phone number. Or when pretty girls who look like Fairuza Balk hand me a matchbook with theirs after telling me that I�m the most attractive girl they�ve seen all night and hope I will call..
But really, right now what I crave more than anything is a familiar face. I want to sit and drink and talk with people I feel comfortable with. People who know me. People I can harass/who will harass me right back.. all with that lovely current of affection running right beneath the surface.
((And for the record, the messages and emails I�ve gotten from you boys over the last few days have defiantly been bright points. Especially with all the crappy drama going on. I�m sorry if I�ve been distant. I promise that I�ll make it up.))
11:39 p.m.