January 14, 2003

five days with so much new to say/ it�s really nothing at all

I always looked forward to moving to a new city. To starting from scratch and meeting new people. To finding new hang outs and all but forgetting the past.

I always thought it would be wonderful fun. Even the loneliness and isolation that would be inevitable at first appealed to me.

The thought of going to cafes alone with a good book and a sketch pad. Of ordering coffee and ignoring the world, comfortable in the knowledge that not a single familiar figure would walk through the door.. Then eventually people would approach me and new bonds would be formed and it would be a rebirth of sorts. Cleansed from the past. Ready to embrace the future.

But being back here after all this time is really similar to starting fresh. And just like I wanted I�ve been spending all my social time in new places meeting new people.

And I�m tired. Tired of the dating/mating game. Tired of the politics and the conversations full of half-hidden hints. Tired of stupid boys who decided that they�d rather not be my friend when I tell them they�ll never be anything more.

But I�m also flattered. Pleased when pretty boys with pink and black hair ask a friend for my phone number. Or when pretty girls who look like Fairuza Balk hand me a matchbook with theirs after telling me that I�m the most attractive girl they�ve seen all night and hope I will call..

But really, right now what I crave more than anything is a familiar face. I want to sit and drink and talk with people I feel comfortable with. People who know me. People I can harass/who will harass me right back.. all with that lovely current of affection running right beneath the surface.

((And for the record, the messages and emails I�ve gotten from you boys over the last few days have defiantly been bright points. Especially with all the crappy drama going on. I�m sorry if I�ve been distant. I promise that I�ll make it up.))

11:39 p.m.

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