November 05, 2002
floating, tempting.. never tangible
When I was little I used to beg my grandmother to tell me stories about her childhood, about my ancestors. She would talk about how much she loved to cook and have tea parties with her dolls. About how her grandmother used to scold her and call her low class for spending time with the kitchen staff. About how her mother went to school in France and came back as a young woman to eventually become the village healer/witch. She told me of an uncle who feel in love with a poor woman and was shamed, about an aunt who married a German man who owned a mine. About their beautiful children who died tragic deaths that some attributed to the aunt�s failure to follow through on a promise made to a certain saint.
I used to go up to the attic and dig through trunks of dusty books in English, French and German.. Poking at them with a stick to make sure no spiders were about before picking them up and examining them. I would spend hours reading and daydreaming. I wanted nothing more but to go back in time and live in the 1800s. I feel in love with Anne of Green Gables and Emily of Blue Moon. Even now I go into every rare book store I find looking for a book called Graustalk which I read the sequel to years ago. It was written in the late 1800s and I know I�ll find it some day. I have to find it someday.
I dreamt of my great grandma last night. Dreamt of a woman I�ve never met but whose picture I�ve seen countless times. I woke up to the haunting voice of Loreena McKennitt and felt magick in the air. I wanted to run barefoot through a forest glade.. swim naked in an icy lake.. collect fresh herbs in the moonlight.. spend my life in a little cabin with flowers and herbs drying in bundles on the porch and nothing but a few cats (or maybe a boy who follows the old ways) to keep me company. Maybe I have my great-grandmother�s soul. Maybe I don�t and she just watches over me.
My mom has always blamed herself for my lack of belief in Christianity.. I�ve always told her that there�s nothing she could have done to change that outcome. Maybe it was predestined. Maybe it was due to my great-grandmother and my father (who was a freemason).
Yesterday�s entry can be found here by they way.
10:13 a.m.