August 02, 2002
My Heart
Normally, I wouldn�t do this.. post something someone else wrote in my diary. It almost defeats the purpose doesn�t it? But I have to make an exception this time..
There�s a boy I�ve know for what seems like an eternity. He�s one of my best friend though we�ve dated a few times. I never seem to have the right words when it comes to him so I�ve held off on adding him to my cast list, although I have written about him. He calls me Karma.. I can�t really remember why. He wrote this in his online journal this morning:
I wonder if what I dream is true or just a nightmare. I smile in the face of a Black Phoenix while I push you behind me in a hopeless attempt to defend. I feel the heat of the blue-black flame and fall. You are safe untouched. The phoenix kisses you and you fall. Tears and blood flow from me like a river. I feel nothing but rage and loss. I stand. The Black Phoenix smiles the fire comes the pain feeds me and I laugh. I attack and the dream ends.
Karma I miss the times on the phone, the talks of eyes and webs. I miss the feeling of knowing what you felt when I thought of you. I wonder if there is a reason that I wake when I do. I know that you are not dead, I know that you live. I also know that the black Phoenix is what my mind conceives as something unbeatable. Who is the threat to you mi amor? Why do I fear calling you right now when I want nothing more than to hear your voice and feel your arms wrapped around me while I poor tears out into the void. I actually can feel your touch on me right now but I want to fall asleep with it and know I can't. I want to know why I crave you like this again. It must be because I miss you and feel lacking. Or perhaps I am lonely. I do not know. It is 5:00 a.m. and I fear sleep like I fear the phoenix. It would mean losing the touch I feel so delicately on my chest. Like a hand held lightly in an attempt not to wake someone while you feel their breath and heart working so gently. I do not know why I write today, but I do.
I love you Karma. I miss me.
He left a message in my guestbook telling me to read it. I hope he doesn�t mind me posting it here, but I couldn�t resist.. it�s just so lovely. I want to wrap his words around me like blankets. I want to hold him close and soothe his fears.. I was asleep when he wrote that.. but I thought about him on my way to work this morning, thought about him and about making the two hour drive to see him tonight. That was before I read that entry.
9:13 a.m.