January 19, 2003
did I mention I skipped work the last few days..
Maybe life is just an exercise in endurance and determination.
Maybe there is no real meaning in anything and we just exist senselessly. Waiting patiently for that final release, only to be sucked into a new body and forced to go through it all again. And again. A vicious cycle without rhyme or reason.
But then maybe it�s a test. A test to see if we�ve absorbed enough knowledge and wisdom to move on to something better / different.
If that�s the case then I�m most definitely failing.
Because it feels like I�m almost always either floating along aimlessly in a vast ocean, just waiting for help to arrive, or letting myself sink. Down and down and down until my lungs collapse and consciousness drifts away.
And it�s not healthy or fulfilling or good.
And I keep telling myself that things will get better.. When I move away.. When I start over from scratch.. When I find meaning and direction and purpose.. I think deep down I even have some childish hope that someone will come along as save me from myself. Erase the past and carry me away.
But every single thing I wait for is external, and really, that�s not where the problem lies.
P.S. If you join Swappingtons and list me [panzerkitty] as the person who referred you I�ll <3 you forever..
10:41 a.m.