October 11, 2002
maybe it's make-believe
Last night you said, "We're empty you and I. And we write journal entries during our brief moments of emotion in order to be able to look back on them during all the emptiness and remember. Remember what it's like to feel."
And maybe you have a point. Maybe we are empty, but if you follow that train of thought, do you find other answers?
Like what if you and I aren't meant to be together forever? What if we're not clinging to eachother out of some subconscious knowledge that it's fated but rather because we have this fairytale worked out and it's safer and more attractive than reality?
It would be perfect in a cosmically ironic sort of way wouldn't it?
Last night we had a converstaion about self-mutilation. You said, "How can something that feels so good be bad for you?" And no matter what I said, you held fast to that belief.
And I started wondering how I can spend time with someone who feels this way? Because I know it's wrong and that I won't ever be okay until I stop doing it. It's not right for a five year old to hurt themselves.. but that's when I started..
And now that I've come to terms with how wrong it is.. And now that I'm trying to work out why I do it and why I feel like I need it.. the last thing I need is someone like you telling me that there's nothing wrong with it.
8:03 a.m.