November 30, 2002
kiss away my doubts
Link turns twenty-three today. He�s been calling a lot lately. Saying he misses me. Asking to see me.
I know I should drive over there tonight. I know it�s what he wants..
He thinks I�m scared. That I�m avoiding him on purpose. Avoiding certain conversations and topics.
He has this plan mapped out in his head. This idea of what the future should be.. And the more clear it seems to him, the more confused I get. The more sure he sounds, the more I doubt him/ me/ everything.
Things I knew as clearly as I know my reflection in a mirror are fuzzy now. Unfocused and formless.
Make it is fear. Maybe I don�t want to give in [to anyone/ ever]. Maybe I like my walls and my abandonment issues and the fact that I have an unhealthy fear of commitment that clouds my desire for it. Maybe I mean it when I say I�ll end up an old cat woman [albeit an unusually attractive, old cat woman].
If he calls again, I�ll go tonight. I�ll go to him and look into his eyes and decide. Not on the serious issues that lay before us, but whether or not those issues are worth looking at.
Earlier today I had so many - wishes. -
4:36 p.m.