June 28, 2002

just words

I hate feeling helpless, but that�s how I feel right now.

I hate standing by and watching something happen without doing anything to stop it, but I am.

I hate knowing that I�m going to lose someone, probably very soon, and not being able to do anything about it.

I hate knowing that if I did try to do something about it, and succeeded, it would mean him compromising his morals, which I refuse to let him do. Not on account of me. Not even if I think he might want to.

But most of all I hate the fact that I want to do something about it. Oh, goddess do I ever want to!

One little internet conversation full of revelations. Just a series of words flowing across my computer screen. How could it change so much? I wish I wasn�t at work. I wish I could go to Coffee Talk and sit outside surrounded by an overgrown tangle of pretty green plants, wrought iron tables and a quaint little fountain. Sit there and smoke cloves and drink hot chai and write in my journal until my hand hurt, then go home and soak in a hot bath until the water, bubble and steam washed every ounce of feeling from my body. Or I could go out and get drunk. That would work too.

I�m supposed to hang out with Huebsch tonight. I don�t know if I really want to. Something about the conversation we had last night made me uncomfortable.. and now with what just happened with Noble.. yeah .. I have nothing else to say right now.

2:37 p.m.

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