September 03, 2002
just watch
I wish he could see the haunted look in my eyes and know he caused it and that I don�t know if it will ever go way.
I wish he could have seen all the tears I shed that night. Seen me cry myself to sleep, only to wake up twice and repeat the process all over again.
I wish he knew that even though I�m trying so hard to think about something else - anything else that I can�t help but keep my mind away from it for too long. That these thoughts chase me, persecute me, will undo me.
I wish he understood that I�m going to torture myself with this for years to come. That I�m going to cry over and over again. That I�m going to hurt myself in search of a relief I don�t entirely think I deserve to get.
He said that seeing me cry hurt. I didn�t cry at my own father�s funeral, but what he did made me cry and I know that will eat at him.. But you know what? It�s not fucking enough. It�ll never be fucking enough.
1:04 p.m.