February 15, 2003

I have no title

I got home from work a little while ago.. and I didn�t think anything was weird at all when the house was cold/empty/waiting/lifeless..

I was caught up in my own little world and I turned the heater up high and put on a slip and turned on some music.

I signed onto Diaryland and pasted in an entry I wrote late last night/early this morning. And then I logged out and re-logged in and drifted off into the past..

And I was caught up in sweet, sweet memories when my mom walked in and told me to turn the computer off because something horrible had happened.

�What?� I asked.

�Henry killed himself last night.� she said, �He hung himself in his room.�

And I remember waking up at one in the morning last night because the phone was ringing. And I remember thinking, �Oh Goddess, I bet someone died. Any minute now she�s going to come and tell me.� But she didn�t because when she picked up the phone it was just static and seconds later I was asleep again.

And this morning she told me that a cousin of mine is getting married in March. Told me to ask for time off work because they want me to go to the wedding.

And I remember saying, �Unless someone else dies.� Because that cousin�s sister got married a few months ago. And no one from our side of the family showed up because my grandmother�s sister had just died and in my family when someone dies, you�re not allowed to go to weddings/parties/celebrations of any kind for quite a while..

My mom says I must have guessed somehow. Known somehow.. and maybe I did. I keep thinking back to the day my dad died. To how I knew it was going to happed all day long and no one believed me. To how my mom�s secretary pulled me out of school and wouldn�t tell me what was going on. To how the house was full of people and how my mom with her brave, expressionless face asked me to go for a walk with her. To how we walked in silence for what seemed like forever. To how I finally broke that silence by saying, �He�s dead isn�t he.� and how she looked at me silently and how I said, �You don�t have to tell me. I knew it was going to happen all day.�

7:06 p.m.

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