September 02, 2002
Do my tears haunt you like your actions haunt me?
I�m tired of crying and hating him and hating myself and thinking these thoughts and feeling these emotions. I�m tired and angry and horrified and I�m torturing myself with these images and thoughts even though all I want to do is forget.
Dash called me last night. He had an old fling visiting him from out of town this weekend. He said he had a horrible time and you know what? I couldn�t bring myself to care. The knowledge that he cares for me more than he does for her doesn�t even matter. It�s funny how small and meaningless things like relationship problems and drama can be when you�re faced with things like these.
I broke up with Lost when my grandfather died. Instead of clinging to him and letting him comfort me I cut him (and everyone else) out of my life. I pushed everyone away and sank into myself. I wonder if I�ll do that again?
Dealing with the death of a loved one is easier than this.. at least then the person is still pure and wholesome in your eyes. At least then you don�t know these horrible things.
9:06 a.m.