July 02, 2002

ghost voices

It�s slightly overcast for the first time in ages, the wind is blowing ever so slightly through the trees and the office is quieter than usual. I�m talking to my mom on aim and feeling somewhat restless..

This morning I woke up thinking about the past.. about people I haven�t seen in a while. I can�t remember what I dreamt last night but it must have dealt with Lost because he�s been on my mind all day. I went through my old diary and found an entry I wrote to him this past December. Normally I wouldn�t recycle entries, but this one explains things rather well and none of you read it anyway so here it is..

Ironic isn't it?

When we were dating I kept myself sealed tight. Locked away in my own little impenetrable box..

And you, you were so wonderful; even if I didn�t fully appreciate you at the time� because how could I? Locked away as I was?

When I broke up with you, I was too absorbed in my own pain and misery over my grandfather�s death to consider your feeling. You just wanted to be there for me. Comfort me. I pushed you as far away as I could � physically, mentally, emotionally..

I tried not to think about you. Except when I heard Pink Floyd.. or when our one mutual friend would call. He would mention you. He would say that he was worried about you and that he thought it was unhealthy how you still cared for me. How you carried a torch.

The few times we saw eachother � even though almost two years had passed we either couldn�t keep our hands off of eachother or we fought and were left with bitter feelings, multiple regrets. It was like we couldn�t get out of each other�s systems.

And now, now that I�m fully aware. And all I want to do is call you. Write to you. But I tried that a month or two ago and you never replied. That was the first time I�ve ever felt rejection. I�ve always been the heart breaker. And the thing is I know you still care. Not because I�m sure of myself.. but because you�re the type of person who almost never lets people into your heart of hearts.. but when you do you can�t get them out � even if you�d like to. And I know you�d like to get me out. Would you like to erase me? If your answer is yes, I�d understand. No hurt feelings. I don�t want a romantic relationship, just a chance at being friends. I know you said we couldn�t have a friendship. All or nothing you said.. but I think we could.

I wish I could e-mail this to you� but I could never bring myself to do it. I�m almost sure you�ll never read it. But that�s okay. I�m putting it out there. Into the void�

4:40 p.m.

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