June 19, 2002
disappearing wouldn�t be so bad..
I feel like I�m walking over a bed of broken glass and any minute now one will lodge itself into my foot and the blood will begin to pour.. It�s only a matter of time really, then my life will go to pieces right before my eyes and I won�t be able to do anything about it.. or maybe I�m just feeling too despondent to try.
I want to go home, crawl under the covers of my bed and hide. Cry myself to sleep. Lose the rest of this week. Forget about the world. I want to drown in my own self-pity and depression. Listen to Sisters, The Cure, Bella Morte, etc. Smoke clove after clove until I throw up. Tell myself none of it matters anyway. I want to feel the release of physical pain, even though I know it won�t happen..
As of today, I�m back on St. John�s Wort. Maybe it will help.
On a side note, I woke up early this morning and was reading over various people�s diaries.. and it actually does make me feel better to know that most people on diaryland are as fucked up inside as I am. heh.
10:46 a.m.