October 23, 2002
alternate reality
It�s seems as if all I�ve been doing these last few days is organizing and decorating, straightening and rearranging. I�ve been creating a space I can feel comfortable and at home in. A place where my frazzled kitties can feel safe.
Griffin, Pearl and Anya seem much happier here.. but Lily spends all her time either hiding under my bed or in my closet, only coming out for a few minutes to eat and use the litter box in the early morning hours once all the lights are out. I wish I could do something to help her settle in..
I�ve been having strange dreams here. Images of houses belonging to Santeros and back yard ritual spaces. Hidden rooms in houses I�ve never seen. Alternative endings to my reality..
Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. Eight months pregnant to be exact.. Somehow I didn�t realize it until then. Thor was the father and I was trying to figure out whether or not I wanted to tell him. I wish I knew where that dream came from.. I mean, I haven�t thought about him in months..
When I woke up I read over all the entries I wrote in my locked diary about him. I�m having a hard time reconciling myself with the girl I was then.. The girl I let him mold me into.. The girl that ultimately
There was a two week period this past May when I really did think I might be pregnant. I remember weighing all the options I had. The day after pill, which would make an abortion necessary if it didn�t work due to possible birth defeats it could cause. Having an abortion, which I doubt I could go through with. Telling him (Thor) and having the baby; making a family with him.. Giving the baby up for adoption was never a choice.. I just couldn�t bring myself to do that.
It was strange, reliving it all.
5:13 p.m.