March 20, 2003

Like a little girl spinning and spinning until she makes herself sick.

Last night wasn�t supposed to turn out that way.

It was supposed to be all about coffee with an old friend and talking about the past. It was supposed to be effortless and enjoyable.

And the last thing in the world I planned on doing was calling him and asking if he�d like to get a drink.

The last thing in the world I expected was for him to be home to answer the phone at eleven o�clock.

For him to agree to the idea and suggest we go to his friend�s house afterwards.

But it happened and somehow I found myself sitting in some random boy�s apartment drinking Arrogant Bastard at one in the morning with four boys. Playing video games and foosball. Smoking too much/ drinking too much/ saying too much..

And when I was standing outside smoking with my eyes closed and my head tilted back resting on the wall he came over and kissed me. He held me and asked me again and again what I want. He said, �You were the first. The first love. I still love you. I�ll always love you.�

And those are words he�s never said before. Not to me. Not when we were dating all those years ago. Not when we saw eachother two years later and talked about getting back together. Not when he said he couldn�t just be my friend and stopped returning my emails/phone calls.

He said other things. Sweet things that somehow I believe coming from him. Things that made me cry over and over again. And I couldn�t even tell you why.

I woke up hung over this morning. And underneath the nausea I feel numb. And underneath the numbness I feel like I disappointed him somehow.

Because he said so many things.. and all I said in return was, �I don�t know. I just wanted to see you.�

11:00 a.m.

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