March 26, 2003

abandonment

A few days ago I sat at work trying not to think about it.

Trying so hard not to see the movie like images of that night playing over and over in my mind.

Trying so hard not to hear the words that were said. The gestures that were made. The patterns that were meticulously followed.

And when that failed I went home early. Sat in my room tearing myself up. Listening to music. Reading a new book.

But none of it helped.

And that dead, empty void within me grew and grew until I thought it was sure to choke the very life right out of me.

And all along the thing that bothered me the most was why. Why was I so numb? Because at the time, it meant so much. More than I could say. More than I could admit even to myself.

And I must have spent the whole night wallowing. I must have let my mind wander in that direction at least a dozen times in the days that followed.

It�s amazing how far away that all seems right now.

4:05 p.m.

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