January 03, 2003
two-thousand and three
So a new year is upon us. Full of new people and memories. Sorrow and depression. Happiness and hope.
And really, there’s only one thing I’d like.. and it’s not mounds of money, or the love of my life.. all I ask is that I be allowed the satisfaction of looking back on 2003 next January and thinking, “That was worthwhile.”
So simple. So easy. Yet, it’s not something I can say about 2002. I spent the entire year floating. My head barely above water. Refusing to move my arms or legs. And when the number on the calendar changed, I opened my eyes only to find that instead of moving towards land, all I did was float farther away.
Ugh. Let's move on..
These last two days have been wonderful. And although I haven’t really accomplished anything. I’ve done so much.
I’ve gotten to know three boys better. To realize just how much I value their friendship and care for them. How much they care for and miss me. I’ve finally seen so many things. About others. About myself. Things I need to think on/work on. People I need to appreciate more/leave behind.
This year I want to start putting my life in order. To start picking up the pieces and fitting them back together. Like a puzzle.
And maybe, just maybe I’ll be better for it. Maybe, just maybe I’ll find something real.
At the party Tuesday night a boy who hates practically everybody sat down next to me and stared off into space while he said, “I can see why all these guys are always falling all over themselves for you.”
And instead of being nice about it I laughed and replied, “Because they’re idiot?”
Maybe if I wasn’t so unapproachable sometimes I wouldn’t feel so left out. I had the most amazing time at that party. I was comfortable and happy and surrounded by some really good friends. But along with the realization that these people really do care for/respect me came the awareness that they’re all kind of wary of touching me.
The other day someone told me that I’m like a pretty cat. You want to go up and pet it but you’re afraid of it’s claws. At the time, I thought it was an amazing compliment. Later, as I drove home alone it depressed me. The thing is, I don’t know whether or not that’s something I want to change.
3:06 p.m.