December 13, 2002
clouded and distant and there
A month has passed during these last few days. Time has slowed to a halting crawl. It�s drawing out the minutes.. hours into days, days into weeks.. A consistent blur of events that seem somewhat more distant than this morning or last night.
So many tiny, insignificant things adding up to nothing more than empty space. Faces of people that will be irrelevant soon, conversations I won�t bother to remember. All floating through time into a void filled with rejected memories/ lost thoughts/ forgotten hopes. The graveyard of childhood aspirations.
And I�m treading water at an ever increasing rate. Talking and smiling and laughing and bonding. Reading in the corner.. and not getting upset when people come and talk to me.. and not feeling left out when they give me my space.
I�m working and going out afterwards. Planning my schedule around those five hours of sleep I�d really love to get per night. And it�s almost comfortable to go and go without a moment�s thought. To carry on in a manner that prevents you from allowing your thoughts to linger on anything for too long. From getting depressed and wrapping yourself in a blanket of misery and doubt..
I can�t explain it right now. My thoughts are jumbled and incomplete. I keep trailing off into tangents I�d rather not divulge to eyes which might come across this.
11:53 p.m.