July 29, 2002
reality kicking in
I expected last night to be wonderful.. and it wasn�t..
Goddess, I don�t even know where to begin, there is so much I want to say and yet I don�t quite know how to put it together correctly. Why do things have to be so complicated all the time? Why do I have to be so closed off? Why does he have to push?
From the minute Dash walked through the door last night things were awkward. There was a tension in the air, unsaid words looming before us with a clarity that�s never been there before.
He asked if I had missed him. He asked whether or not I ever thought about other boys. He asked what label I would give our situation. He said that he wants me to get attached to him, wants me to rely on him, open up and confide in him.
He looked into my eyes and said, "God, please don�t push me away. I can handle it if you don�t want to get more attached than we are now.. but don�t stop talking to me. Don�t push me away."
He said other things.. things that changed the way I look at him, make me respect him less. I wish this weren�t the case, but it is..
Towards the end of the night I just wanted him to leave, but didn�t have to balls to tell him. He ended up spending the night and I was miserable. I laid awake for two hours after he fell asleep wishing he wasn�t there. Insomnia kicked in and I started feeling anxious and panicky..
Everything was okay this morning, but it won�t last. Until we resolve things one way or the other it�ll hang over our heads.. I�m tired..
9:54 a.m.