January 14, 2003
five days with so much new to say/ it’s really nothing at all
I always looked forward to moving to a new city. To starting from scratch and meeting new people. To finding new hang outs and all but forgetting the past.
I always thought it would be wonderful fun. Even the loneliness and isolation that would be inevitable at first appealed to me.
The thought of going to cafes alone with a good book and a sketch pad. Of ordering coffee and ignoring the world, comfortable in the knowledge that not a single familiar figure would walk through the door.. Then eventually people would approach me and new bonds would be formed and it would be a rebirth of sorts. Cleansed from the past. Ready to embrace the future.
But being back here after all this time is really similar to starting fresh. And just like I wanted I’ve been spending all my social time in new places meeting new people.
And I’m tired. Tired of the dating/mating game. Tired of the politics and the conversations full of half-hidden hints. Tired of stupid boys who decided that they’d rather not be my friend when I tell them they’ll never be anything more.
But I’m also flattered. Pleased when pretty boys with pink and black hair ask a friend for my phone number. Or when pretty girls who look like Fairuza Balk hand me a matchbook with theirs after telling me that I’m the most attractive girl they’ve seen all night and hope I will call..
But really, right now what I crave more than anything is a familiar face. I want to sit and drink and talk with people I feel comfortable with. People who know me. People I can harass/who will harass me right back.. all with that lovely current of affection running right beneath the surface.
((And for the record, the messages and emails I’ve gotten from you boys over the last few days have defiantly been bright points. Especially with all the crappy drama going on. I’m sorry if I’ve been distant. I promise that I’ll make it up.))
11:39 p.m.