February 15, 2003
I have no title
I got home from work a little while ago.. and I didn’t think anything was weird at all when the house was cold/empty/waiting/lifeless..
I was caught up in my own little world and I turned the heater up high and put on a slip and turned on some music.
I signed onto Diaryland and pasted in an entry I wrote late last night/early this morning. And then I logged out and re-logged in and drifted off into the past..
And I was caught up in sweet, sweet memories when my mom walked in and told me to turn the computer off because something horrible had happened.
“What?” I asked.
“Henry killed himself last night.” she said, “He hung himself in his room.”
And I remember waking up at one in the morning last night because the phone was ringing. And I remember thinking, “Oh Goddess, I bet someone died. Any minute now she’s going to come and tell me.” But she didn’t because when she picked up the phone it was just static and seconds later I was asleep again.
And this morning she told me that a cousin of mine is getting married in March. Told me to ask for time off work because they want me to go to the wedding.
And I remember saying, “Unless someone else dies.” Because that cousin’s sister got married a few months ago. And no one from our side of the family showed up because my grandmother’s sister had just died and in my family when someone dies, you’re not allowed to go to weddings/parties/celebrations of any kind for quite a while..
My mom says I must have guessed somehow. Known somehow.. and maybe I did. I keep thinking back to the day my dad died. To how I knew it was going to happed all day long and no one believed me. To how my mom’s secretary pulled me out of school and wouldn’t tell me what was going on. To how the house was full of people and how my mom with her brave, expressionless face asked me to go for a walk with her. To how we walked in silence for what seemed like forever. To how I finally broke that silence by saying, “He’s dead isn’t he.” and how she looked at me silently and how I said, “You don’t have to tell me. I knew it was going to happen all day.”
7:06 p.m.