August 01, 2002
If Project: August
If you were to reinvent yourself, what is it about you that absolutely should be changed? What radical improvement do you think others would hope to see in you?
Believe it or not, this is a really difficult question for me to answer. When I first read it on the if project�s website all sorts of things popped into my head.. I�d like to have been born wealthy so that I�d never have to worry about money. I�d like to have more discipline. I would get rid of my dysthymia (this is a type of depression, for those of you who haven�t heard the name before) and change the fact that I�ve been self harming for seventeen years. I�d trust people more. I�d get rid of my abandonment issues and my fear of emotional intimacy. I�d stop doing all the little self-destructive things I do..
Then I put a little more thought into it. What would I be without dysthymia and self harm? What would my life be like if I didn�t have abandonment issues and a fear of emotional attachment? Obviously I can�t answer these questions, but I do know that I would be a very different person. My life would have taken a completely different course and I don�t see that as a good thing because when all is said and done I�m happy with who I am. I know this sounds like a paradox when you take what I�ve said above into consideration and perhaps comfortable is a better word for it.. but the end result is the same. I wouldn�t change a single thing about myself. The world around me perhaps, but not myself, never myself. Egotistical perhaps but true.
Now for the second part of the question.. what other people would change about me. I think this list is quite long. I know many people think I�m too cold and unemotional, or rather I don�t let anyone know what I�m feeling. I�m the type of girl that will act nonchalant even if I�m falling apart on the inside. Perhaps this is part of the reason why I self harm.
I�ve been told that I can�t take compliments. By this I don�t mean that I argue with the person and say, "No, no I�m not." In hopes of getting more praise. I just don�t acknowledge them most of the time.. Not because I think I�m incredibly attractive, it�s just that I get compliments so often I don�t think about it anymore..
I know there are more things, but I�ll leave off here so as not to depress myself (or bore the reader) with the length of the list..
1:07 p.m.